I have now passed the fourth week of my six-week recovery from spinal surgery after being diagnosed with Syringomyelia and what I didn’t really comprehend was that I would be psychologically recovering more than I was physically. Four weeks is just long enough to truly step back and see what my life was like from an outside perspective, and I realise now how much stress I was operating under. Even though I have always worked well under pressure (I was the student who crammed before an exam and did well) this recovery process has allowed me the space to realise the toll that working this way has taken on my mind and body. Also, the bad habits I have been allowing to continue (like working a 60-hour week and answering emails at 10 pm) because I thought striving for perfection was more important than practising self-care.
Before now, I thought of myself as a realist, but now looking back, I know that I have also been quite pessimistic, which, I guess, was my way of preparing for the worst. I do acknowledge that I had the added burden of anticipating my surgery, and the potential outcome that was such an unknown for me. The last surgery I had almost two years ago didn’t have the positive outcome I had longed for and with this surgery – I was anticipating the same. It has been a rough couple of years physically, as well as mentally and it is only recently that I realised, I have been experiencing trauma from a failed surgery. I am hoping that acknowledging this will now help me manage my stress levels and be more realistic about my life and work.
My current surgery went as well as it possibly could have, and it made me realise that the stress I was letting myself experience wasn’t worth the time. This realisation came to me on surgery day, just before I went under, and it was surprising how much calmer I was that day in comparison to the days leading up to the event.
What an amazing gift this recovery time has given me – an opportunity to take stock of the important things in my life and look for strategies to make returning to work better for me in the long run. I am pleasantly surprised at how valuable exercise, in particular, has been for my mental health as well as my physical recovery. Three to four sessions a week undertaking exercise physiology has changed my whole perspective on life, it has provided me with wins and helped me to implement a healthier routine. I am now going to use the last two weeks of my leave to put strategies in place, slow myself down and maintain a better work/life balance.
Typical of me though, I have been dabbling in some low-level work during my recovery (being housebound except for medical appointments has definitely led to moments of boredom!) but doing this made me realise I had forgotten which parts of my role were enjoyable for me. Everything was a ‘had to do’, so even the tasks I love as a practitioner became a chore, along with the responsibilities I have as a Managing Director. I don’t want to come back to my role and ‘manage’, manage my workload and manage my stress levels – I want to return to my role and ‘lead’.
I love who I work with, and the amazing people we work for. I love what I do for a living, I had always said growing up that I wanted to be a student for the rest of my life and developing resources across such a vast range of qualifications and industries is definitely a job that pays me to be a life-long learner. But, if I want to continue to do this for many years to come, I need to acknowledge the five and a half years of hard work I have put into building our business, and the 12 years prior working within education institutions, and now take a step back and enjoy the amazing work environment we have created as a team.
I am hoping that when I return from leave, I will be successful in this approach, and won’t fall back into being the stress head that I was. I have been practising gratitude and this has made it easier for me to identify the wonderful people I have in my life, my friends, family, colleagues and support team. It has allowed me to see my days more positively. Taking the time to remember the kind actions people perform for me has brightened my life, I have a smile on my face now far more than I have had recently.
I am looking forward to the next few months and being proud of myself as I improve every day and learn to walk again. This will be my greatest challenge yet, more than finishing a degree, more than building a house, more than building and running a business. It will also be my greatest achievement, and it will be for me, not for anyone else (although I can see the benefits that others will reap as a result).
After being on crutches for nearly two years, I have set a goal to be dancing on New Year’s Eve, because I physically can do it, and because emotionally – I can’t wait to.
Image by Julie Tupas on Unsplash
